I Probably Should Have Been Embarrassed, Huh?

Ok..
So this post probably should have some kind of adult rating on it so if don't have a freak flag or if you don't know what having a freak flag is then maybe you should just scroll on through..

'Cuz this was just TOO. FUNNY

Ok..
So yesterday I went shopping for a new toy. Considering that I'm well into adult-hood, I'm thinking you kinda know what kind of toy I'm talking about.

yea.. the kind that needs batteries!

I get to the store and there's I'm looking around and whatever and see a few that are interesting and definitely "try-able" but yknow.. it's not like you can test drive these things, if you know what I mean.

So I'm having a conversation with the girl behind the counter.. asking if she ever tried this one.. or knew anything about that one.

Did I mention that this store is one that's in the mall and sells OTHER things like t-shirts and gag gifts and stuff?

Anyway.. so she told me that she used one particular one and really liked it so I went ahead and bought it.. even sprung for new batteries since she worked on commission and yknow... the extra 30 cent she made on the sale may mean the difference between spending her next college semester at an Ivy League school or the local community college!

Hey! Never let it be said that I don't try to help, right?

Anyway.. so I get home and yknow.. the kids are home and the dogs need to be walked and the cats obviously couldn't decide who was going to eat out of which bowl so they both went flying leaving cat food all over the back porch.. and then dinner had to be started.. etc. etc. etc. Normal life.

So it wasn't until more then a few hours later that I could get a chance to spend some time with the new toy.
I tear through the bullet proof plastic packaging with my teeth.. pop in the new batteries and... nothing.

Hmm..

So I take the batteries out and I flip them around because I'm an idiot when putting batteries in anything .. flip the switch.. and nothing.

sonnovabitch!!

I do the whole battery switching thing again.. this time paying attention to the little graphic on the battery cover... try the switch again and...

Nothing.

mother$%^&*I(

So I get the batteries and pop them into the remote just to see if they even work and guess what? Works fine.

I spend some more time trying to get it to work but apparently, the damn thing was defective and there was only one thing to do.

Return it.

So I drive all the way back to the store and since it's now after work hours on a FRIDAY night in a store that sells TSHIRTS and GAG GIFTS ... the place is full with rowdy teenagers who are too young to get into R rated movies.

Fuck!

Now, I might be more then a little left of center but come one.. I'm not into damaging the psyche's of teenagers.

So I go up to the counter and guess what? SHIFT CHANGE!! The girl who was there earlier has been replaced with a pimply faced boy with dyed hair hanging over his eyes and a lip ring.

Sweet.

So I wait until his counter is void of people, motion him to the side.. hand him the black paper bag and explain to him that I bought this earlier and it doesn't work.

He almost got away with me NOT seeing him roll his eyes but he took the bag and looked inside.. looked at me.. turned beet red and shoved the bag into my chest.

"There's a no return policy on that"

I explained to him that I wasn't RETURNING it.. I was EXCHANGING it.. I dug through the bag, held out the receipt for him and explained that I had just bought it and it didn't work so I wanted another one.

He wouldn't take the receipt and was like, ".. um.. er... um.. yea.. uhhh... we can't take that back."

I took a deep breath and explained to him AGAIN that I never got a chance to use it.. I WANTED to use it.. SO WANTED TO USE IT AFTER THE DAY I HAD.. but it was defective.. it didn't work.. used new batteries that I bought at the SAME TIME and nothing.

He told me that this was a little out of his league and that maybe I might want to come back the next day when his manager was there.

I have to say at this point I was getting MORE then a little annoyed and was like FINE!!! and grabbed the bag from him.

I abruptly turned away from him when I heard a HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? and turned to see my stepson standing behind me with a group of his friends.

And before I could put the filter on my mouth, I blurted out ME? ME? OH I'M JUST HEAR TRYING TO EXCHANGE A VIBRATOR THAT DOESN'T VIBRATE AND TRACE CYRUS OVER HERE ISN'T GRASPING THE FACT THAT I WANT TO EXCHANGE IT NOT RETURN IT.

His friends started to laugh and my stepson just said, ".. yea. Good luck with that."

"You need a ride home?" I asked.
"Um..  no. I'm good."

I said okay and started walking out of the store but then turned around and said, " Yo.. I shouldn't have said any of that, huh?"

"Yeaaaa.. I'm thinking that would be a 'No'" he laughed.

I nodded. "Don't tell your father."

"You're secrets safe with me. Got 20 bucks?"

Bedtime Story

So the other evening I started thinking about things that are super relaxing.

 Enter the clothes dryer.
 Who can deny the wonder of its mesmerizing hum. The soft thuds of our clothes tumbling along inside it, and the occasional clack of a button or metal zipper. I actually got a little sleepy thinking about my dryer. Maybe it is even better than an aquarium bubbling along beside the sofa.

 Too often, people (myself included) build homes with the laundry room away from any sort of living area. I am thinking this might be a huge mistake. My laundry room is off a spare bedroom in my home. I can see myself slipping in there from time to time when I need a little help to fall asleep and have run out of ...
sleepy-juice.  There is that pesky buzzer at the end of the dry cycle that would almost certainly wake me from my slumber but I have learned now that I can silence the demon buzzer with the touch of a button. Provided I remember to click the quiet button when I start the dryer, I should do just fine.

Sorry Guinness, I got a new friend now! Who am I kidding, I still loves me Guinness.

 Sleep tight friends!

Shot to Hell

It’s my memory…or more accurately, my lack of it. It’s failing me at an alarming rate and I seem powerless to prevent it.

I’ve been telling myself it’s simply due to a complicated and somewhat distracting block of life…but I don’t think that’s it.

‘Cause I’m forgetting some important shit. Like what day of the month my rent is due. I was convinced it was due on the 12^th of the month….because I moved in on the 12^th. Only, it wasn’t the 12^th…it was the 10^th. How lame an excuse is that gonna be? “I’m sorry your rent is late…I could swear it was due on the 12^th. Really.”

The other day, my phone started ringing and the caller ID number was very familiar…but I could not remember who it was. I stared helplessly through several rings before it hit me: It was my sister. She’s had the same freakin’ number since 2000. WTF?

Is there a pill for this? Should I be doing more crossword puzzles to ward off this latest in what I’m sure will be a long, painful string of future insanites? Or do I roll with it, chalk it up to senility and practice my blank stare?

Do I know you?

That’s not my car.

I haven’t had dessert yet.

What do you mean I don’t work here??

I never said that. I don’t remember saying that. Can you prove I said that?

Yeah…this could get ugly.

New Game

Lets see how many of us have a recognizable writing style. You know the rules No names, Job references, or anything that would make it too easy to figure out who posted what. In the comments we can try to guess who wrote each post. Please don't get mad if someone can't guess right away as I think many of us have similar writing styles. This might be fun...or it might suck. In any case it is open to everyone who chooses to follow the blog. Get the username and password from a blogger friend (bleep) and start posting. I am sending a note to some folks so they can spread the word. Hey it's just for fun...so have fun with it. Thanks for participating!
Yours Truly,______________________

(ok this introductory post is way too easy...you all know its me!)